When I was a kid I heard that “the proof was in the pudding”. With a simple Google search I found out that this little proverb dates back as early as the 14th century and it has been shortened over time from its original phrase – “the proof of the pudding is in the eating”. Either way, the message remains the same; true value is found when something is put to use or, an even easier way to say it is, results are what count. Well I can tell you that I needed to show some results…for Meredith and for me.
The first two lessons I identified later. It wasn’t like I had an outline of what I was supposed to do…I just knew that I had to become trustworthy.
The first two life lessons go hand-in hand:
- You can’t force someone to change…they must do the changing.
- The sign of true repentance is a heart that is willing to prove.
I had just spent the last few months literally destroying all the trust that Meredith had given me. She had tried all sorts of tactics that I would either manipulate (she didn’t want me to move out and I played with that knowledge) or would cause me to dig my heals in even deeper (bringing me lunch at work was viewed as attempts to restore what I didn’t want to save…it just made me mad). It became a constant struggle…she tried to save the marriage and I wasn’t willing to change…no matter what she did.
So I had to prove to her that the change I professed was real. I had to live out the character and integrity that she was willing to believe was in me. I had to prove myself…no more secrets…no more lies…I had to be a man of my word. I had to lay bare every part of my life for constant inspection. So here were the ground rules:
- If you have any questions…ask
- I will be open and truthful with any part of my life (including specifics of the affair).
- If you ever wonder where I am or what I am doing…check.
- You are free to call or stop by anytime…anywhere to check on me.
That’s about all the ground rules we started with. My life will be an open book and she had the right to inspect every page. I also put a couple rules on myself.
- I will not be angry.
- I will do whatever is necessary to earn her trust.
I gave her permission to ask…and she asked. There were many questions that I uncomfortably answered. She asked about my feelings, about my desires and even about some of the experiences of the affair; when…where…what was it like. I would answer the questions as tactfully as possible but many of the answers hurt her and I would have to deal with hours…days…even weeks of anger. I wish I could say those scares were completely gone after 13 years…but although the wounds have healed, once-in-a-while we still have to deal with a scare or two.
She would also check up on me. Most of the time it was done nonchalantly; stopping by work on her way to the store or a call to see how my day was going…I don’t ever remember her saying “I am nervous and am checking up on you” but the behavior was new and I attribute it to fear. She could have told me why, that would have been fine but her goal was not to hurt me…just to trust me. I don’t really remember how many times she called or stopped by to check on me and I wish I could say I completely followed the rules I had place on myself. There were times when I would get upset because I felt like the process was taking too long, but I had to keep my focus…be the proof.
One of things I had to be willing to do was move. We needed to get away. There were too many memories and reminders, for both of us and we needed a fresh start. The downside was I had just been recommended for and given an opportunity for promotion. Moving would mean a demotion out of management and back into sales. I would also be transferring to an established market with little chance of promotion…it was not a good career move but my family was the priority. I requested a transfer and we listed our house. Ninety days later, we closed on the house and the U-haul was loaded…we were driving towards our new lives.